….I mean, seriously, do you really need a reason?
Bare with me folks, just a bit of venting today…..
So the last few weeks WIDAGO has gone cold and dark to the interstices of the internet. About a month ago we had one of those days. Those sad bad news days. Some of you good people may not know that my mom is been kicking’ tail and taking names in her battle against ovarian cancer for past three and half years. Cancer sucks. However, if you are going to put your big girl panties on and fight it, fight it well. Fight it like Sheesh. As is the nature this disease, there many ups and downs on this physical and emotional roller coaster. So we got a call from my sister, and Sheesh had taken a turn for the worse. Treatments not working anymore, side effects causing more harm than good. Hospice coming in. Get your ass home. It’s the call I had been dreading since we cast off lines 18 months ago. I hung up the phone (OK not really a hang up, because there is nothing to hang these days, just a button to push), took a deep breath, mind spinning, and went in search of Ahab to discuss our options and game plan. He had just ended another phone call. I filled him in on the details about Mom, and we sat there for a moment. “Well, this is just a bad news day,” he sighed.
“Why? What??” I asked with furrowed brow in desperate need of botox.
“Pawpaw’s dead.”
“Pawpaw Puppy, or Grandaddy Pawpaw?!?!?” Bile, horror, knife in my chest.
“Puppy. He got hit by car. Died within minutes.” I freakin lost it. Sitting at the helm, sobbing uncontrollably – this is just too sad. Seriously, one of the best black labs ever. And I know I am totally biased, but ask anybody who knew him – just an awesome dog with the perfect balance of strength, beauty, kindness, leadership, and naughtiness. Lover boy, shoe thief, and unfortunately, chaser of cars.
As I pulled myself together, I started to feel like a real jerk. Here I was just getting off a call with my sister about my sweet mom, who at the time appeared to be circling the drain, and I approached it with steeled emotions: focus on logistics, organize an action plan. After hearing about poor Pawpaw, I’m a blubbering idiot, raw emotions, grated with grief. I’m an a-hole. Where is the raw release for Mom?
In sharing my feelings of a-hole-ness to a fellow sailing gal on a sister Leopard, she reassured me. “Stef, am I a terrible person because I got more upset losing my dog than hearing about my mom?”
“Ali – no way. The poor dog – it was so sudden, totally unexpected, out of nowhere. With your Mom, you’ve been emotionally preparing for this chapter. It’s OK. Go home. Spend time with your family.”
I’m not sure which is harder: An out of the blue tragedy, or a prolonged battle. I guess it doesn’t really matter, as both situations provide food for thought, and really teach the same lessons. Live life to fullest every chance you get. Don’t wait to do something, say something, be someone. Practice kindness and gratitude always. In a moment, without warning, you might not get that chance, or take that risk to do or be something extraordinary.
On one of my last days stateside visiting my folks & siblings, Sheesh and I nailed it at Milagro’s for Mexican lunch, followed by a little retail therapy to find a rocking hot pink hat for my sister’s wedding, and a couch snuggling afternoon movie (100-Step Journey – awesome BTW). Perfect day. I want to live every day like that. Present, in the moment, grateful for the big and little things.
Big things like my family, in all their cuckoo craziness (bless their hearts and present company included). Little things like Enchilada Verdes, and of course, donuts. Make mine a glazed stick from Duncan Donuts that I eat so fast, it gives me the hiccups.
Ali
My condolences on both accounts. For some reason, nothing hits harder than the loss of a pet sometimes. Extra donuts are in order, and our thoughts and prayers are with you and family.
I love you Ali. Life is so hard. God bless you for your honesty. Praying for your family. Really big internet hugs for all of you. And paw paw was the bomb.
Great Post, Ali. Left me at once laughing and crying!!
Ali, hard times. Sorry to hear that you are going through an emotional rollercoaster. Thinking of you all.
Ali, this is the post that I prayed would not come for much later. We (Birds of Paradise) and the whole chapel have been praying for healing for your Mom and all your family. She is a miracle of a fighter. You are fortunate to carry her genes. Your r a special person and it goes back to her raising of you, We have followed your trip praying that you would be able to complete your journey before this sad time came. We r still praying for your whole family and will continue. Your Mom is so proud of your family and so are we. Your reaction to the news of your adored dog, is a very human reaction. Your Mom news where you were solid, took a shot when your beloved companion passed. So we will continue to keep you all in our prayers and your Mom and Dad and family too… We would love to get together when you and yours return from this great adventure of a lifetime. Love and Blessings to you all…
<3 thanks Jackie
Mel, fellow Leopard 48 owner here. Love your blog. We are in different oceans, unfortunately. Your Mom’s been fighting ovarian cancer for 3.5 years? RESPECT. Tough lady. My Mom passed away from cancer before we set out on our trip; I had the same issues with how the “prolonged battle” puts you into planning mode rather than reaction/emotion mode. Except as a doctor, I could anticipate every single step ahead, which made it worse. No reason for guilt. I know my Mom preferred to let us off gradually, so I think my placidity at the end was better for her.
Alie, I was so sad to read this post as my prayer for you has always been that your Mom would stay strong in her battle and her recovery would be complete as you finished your journey. I am sure receiving the news of your beloved dog was just more than you could bear as your heart was already breaking. Will be keeping your family in thought and prayers as you navigate this chapter in life. Much love, Brenda
Please know that we are thinking of you all….you are experiencing the most wonderful time and the worst of times all at once….
Ali, such a poignant post. So much to process. Praying for the family. Jackie’s post is one I would say if I could say it better but I can’t . Just know that you are loved and we will be here for you!
You are a treasure and have so much of your mommy’s spirit! And I never met Pawpaw, but I’ve seen you run fast chasing cars and I’m certain the two of you were soulmates too!